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Luisa Tam

Discovering that your partner has a lover can be emotionally challenging and put you in an extremely difficult situation. This becomes even harder to manage if the person in question is a part of your social circle.
It is crucial to approach this situation with care and consider the best course of action for your own well-being.
While I am aware of a case where a wife hired the mistress to work alongside her to closely monitor her daily activities, it is important to note that such an approach can be considered extreme.
Deciding whether to get in touch with your partner’s lover is a personal choice that depends on various factors and individual circumstances.
Before reaching out, it is vital to contemplate how contacting the lover might affect your emotional well-being. Will it provide you with closure, or exacerbate feelings of anger, resentment, or hurt?
Take a moment to consider whether the potential benefits outweigh the potential risks to your emotional health.

Additionally, it is crucial to reflect on your motivations for reaching out to the lover. Are you motivated by a desire for revenge or curiosity? Or are you simply seeking more information or hoping for a resolution?
Being honest with yourself about your intentions is essential. Consider whether reaching out will genuinely serve your best interests and contribute to your healing process.
It may be beneficial to seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals who can provide guidance and help you navigate this challenging situation.
If Hugh Jackman can’t maintain a long-term relationship, can anyone?
Be mindful of the potential consequences of contacting the person with whom your partner has been unfaithful, as it could lead to further conflict, complicate the situation even more, or even have legal implications, depending on the circumstances.
Before taking any action in dealing with an unfaithful partner, it is important to take some time to process the emotions you may be experiencing, such as anger, sadness, and betrayal. Reflect on what you want for yourself and your relationship, advises Valentina Tudose, a relationship expert and certified hypnotherapist.
“Spending time considering the implications of your next steps will help you approach the situation with a clearer mind. Dealing with infidelity while also wanting to salvage the relationship requires a calm and rational approach, along with the ability to manage your own emotions.
“People have different perspectives on exclusivity, so it is important to reassess what this situation means for your specific connection.
“Cheating often occurs for reasons beyond simply falling out of love, so it’s best to gather all the information before making any decisions. After all, this could potentially mark the beginning of a new phase in your relationship,” Tudose says.

The first step is to engage in open and honest communication.
It is crucial to approach your partner calmly and have a sincere conversation. Express your feelings and concerns, and allow them the opportunity to explain their actions and provide insight into the situation. By doing so, you can gain a better understanding of the circumstances.
Share your emotions and concerns in a composed manner. Give your partner the chance to express themselves, even if they initially deny any wrongdoing.
It is important to avoid anger and vindictiveness, instead providing a genuine opportunity for them to share their perspective on what led to the infidelity, she says.
Tudose suggests that engaging in such an open conversation may bring surprising revelations.
Remember, infidelity doesn’t always occur because the relationship is broken. There might be a genuine chance for reconnection and growth
Valentina Tudose, relationship expert
“You might discover that your relationship hasn’t been as flawless as you assumed. It’s essential not to become defensive when listening to their words.
“Remember, infidelity doesn’t always occur because the relationship is broken. There might be a genuine chance for reconnection and growth.”
When it comes to couples with children, Tudose offers advice on the available options.
“If you’re unsure whether this situation signifies the end of your relationship or if you want to explore ways to repair and rebuild it, seeking professional help from a coach or counsellor is your best course of action.
“They can assist you in identifying the reasons behind this occurrence and guide you on the path to recovery and reconnection.”
Tudose emphasises that, even if you have already made the decision to end the relationship, consulting a professional can assist in mediating the process of separation and establishing the best co-parenting arrangements.

Regarding the possibility of contacting the third party involved, Tudose states: “Being the victim of infidelity can have a profound impact on one’s self-esteem and cause a loss of confidence and trust in our loved ones. Sometimes, individuals resort to extreme measures to seek reassurance and regain control of the situation.
“Hiring the other person may seem like a real-life enactment of the saying ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer,’ essentially attempting to gain an advantage over the ‘rival’ and make them feel inferior.”
She cautions that this strategy can backfire, as it can make it very difficult for the victim to heal, forgive, and move forward if they are constantly confronted with the pain of the past.
It would be far more beneficial to focus on your own healing, and seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals as you navigate this challenging situation.
Remember, every situation is unique, and it is crucial to make decisions that align with your values and long-term well-being.
Luisa Tam is a Post editor who also hosts video tutorials on Cantonese language that are now part of Cathay Pacific’s in-flight entertainment programme.


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Lifestyle

Family & Relationships

Opinion

If you find out your partner has been unfaithful, it’s hard to know what to do: confront their lover, try to break them up or accept them
Relationship expert Valentina Tudose advises weighing up the potential benefits and risks to your emotional health and well-being before acting


Discovering your partner has been unfaithful can be devastating, and it’s hard to know what to do. Relationship expert Valentina Tudose offers tips to protect your emotional health and well-being.


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